Why I Came Out Here

Recently, after having a rough day and not being able to focus at all on my work, my supervisor at my work, who was a former actor himself, posed this question to me.

"Why did you come out here?"

And It really didn't hit me then, until last night, everything hit me at once. I opened a Word Doc and started writing, and suddenly it all because clear. Everything. All of it. The reason I'm out here, everything.

This is what I wrote, and I'd like to share it with you. So...

Why did I come out here?

To make a career in acting, to make my craft be heard, to make myself be the best person and best actor Hollywood has ever seen. I know I can do it, I really do. I'm here now, I know that now, I know what I need to do. I know that there are going to be hardships, and that money will be tight, but I know I will pull through, because I am going to make it.

There are many realities I need to accept though. Many. How hard it is for me to memorize, to make choices, to step outside of the box, to believe in myself, to be confident with my choices, to be heard, and to take the lead, to be NOT me, to be a character, to make things happen. These are all things im working on. I know this. These are fairly obvious to me now. I just need to concentrate on them, and realize that this is not going to be comfortable. NONE of this is going to be comfortable. This is all going to be a shit storm of discomfort. And its going to hurt, and hurt A LOT. I have to accept that if that’s what I want to do out here.

I need to take responsibility. For my actions and my Inaction. There’s no excuse for me not taking control of the things that I can control. I can procrastinate on the Internet all day but in the end, im not going to move forward. I’m not. Its going to take me so very long, very very long to get where im going to be and want to be.

Tom Hardy, Heath Ledger, Christopher Nolan, Hugh Jackman, Gary Oldman, these are my heroes. How they've shaped themselves as performers, and creative types. These people have the things I want to work up to. A career. A life. A love of art and craft. The love of making movies.

Hardy, Jackman, and Heath all started in Theatre. I started on Indie films. Its similar, but maybe theatre isn't my path. I feel that indie films are my way. That indie is the way to go for me. The togetherness, the hard work and need to get things done, I love that environment, I FREAKING LOVE that. Being on set, being near the doing, and actively making things, that's my love. Making creating and being a part of something more. Those are the things that make me tick. And I need more of that. More of the making of movies. I love working at that stuff. Its my drug. It gives me life. It gives me purpose. Making Movies. Creating films. That is the funest thing I’ve done in my life. Helping friends make their passion projects, creating and forming bonds with cast and crew. That is my life's work. Making memories and sweet love to projects that mean something to me. I know my job, and I know it well. There are hang ups I have for sure, but I'm willing to push through them in order to make things happen.

When I was in class, I really feel like I was doing my life's work, holy SHIT. That was the thing I wanted to do and love. I felt alive and in the moment, experiencing the experience in which I needed to experience. THAT is my life's calling, to volley back and forth a scene that is electric, that is volatile and exposed and raw. One that is part of me, and part of the universe, all out there for the world to see, to witness, to take in, to breathe, to observe, to laugh, to love, to cry, to experience. That is my life’s purpose.

Watch More Movies. Make it your obsession, your passion. If you want this, you’re going to have to work at it. Obsess over what you want to do. There’s nothing like obsessing over your passion. If this is what you want to do, then do it. Its going to happen, it just needs to be done.

These are very doable things. All it take is dedication, perseverance, belief, and faith that things will work out. And happiness. You have to be happy with the things that you are doing. There isn’t a reason not to be happy.

Happiness needs to be a goal. Absolutely. If you’re not happy doing what you’re doing or what you’re pursuing, then drop it. What’s the point to explore something you have no interest in? You need to pick up something that will destroy you with its intrigue, and make you obsess over how it works and how it comes into the world. All its little intricate details. That is your life. That is your life’s passion. You will make movies that matter, and ones that people will see to be changed. That is your passion. You must do this, for if you don’t it is all a waste. That is whats going to have to happen next. Execute the Plan, as you need to get out here, and do what you wanted to do in the first place. Make things happen. You can, you must, you will.

Make them laugh, cry, and suffer and smile. Make them rethink their existence. Make them happy they saw you. Make them so utterly sick of you they want more. Make them discuss your flaws, your mistakes, your short comings. That’s just the way of the world. And it’s a world you love. That you work in such a medium where its influence can be seen from the stars above.

I am going to give this my all for 5 years. 5 years to make a dent.  To be on my way to make things happen and work. This will take some time, but if I'm dedicated enough, and make things happen, its not going to not happen. 
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"It takes 20 years to become an overnight success."

- Eddie Cantor

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Its going to take me 5 Years to get all the suck out, and find all those ways that don’t work. I'm going to do this. I am. I really really am. After that, we'll see where I am.

Im not sure where all this stuff came from, but holly hell. This is it this is my mindset that I’ve forgotten. And im so happy to have found you again. That you for tell me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart thank you for reminding me why I’m here.

I musn’t let the fire die. The fire has to keep burning and burning away.

*****

So here's to pursuing the dream, and to obsess over a life long passion. Cheers to everyone who's doing the same, and God Speed.

Z